Animation Source Forums

My story A Serval tale

Chapter 1 :

In The Grasslands of Africa , A baby Serval was born. "May I have everyones attention please." Abasi Shouted. "Today Zahara and I are welcoming our Little kitten into the world today. We present to you , Our son , Zuburi." Abasi smiled , Letting His Mate , A beatiful White and Black Spotted Serval with Blue eyes , Pass By. She was carying Their son. She set Zuburi down , And He looked around , Seeing The other Servals Admire him. .....

Chapter 2 will come next. Please tell me what you think of my writting.

As someone who is studying creative writing, I'll give you an honest opinion.

Length
First off, a paragraph is definitely not long enough for an entire chapter. Even in fanfiction (though I'm not sure what fandom this story would be written for...), a chapter should be at least 1,000 words long but preferably around 3,000-8,000 words.

SPaG

Make sure to use proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar. The easiest ways to avoid errors in SPaG is by (1) typing in a word processor like Microsoft Word, Notebook, Mac Pages, or something similar and (2) rereading out loud everything you write. This will really help you pick out mistakes in grammar and flow as well. If you really want to make sure all mistakes are cleared, get someone to beta (read and suggest edits) the story; you can work with someone who will only look at SPaG but a really good beta will also help you with plot, flow, characterization, and voice.

The most common mistakes I noticed in your first paragraph were an over- and misuse of commas and capitalization. With all SPaG mistakes corrected, the paragraph will look something like this:



Description and Voice

To make a simple scene longer than a paragraph, make sure to describe actions instead of just stating what is happening. Show, don't tell. If you want to write in any form or level, you will hear this again and again, and you must remember it. Another way to think about it is to use action verbs instead of passive verbs like being, going, looking, seeming, ect... Use strong description verbs stead of an adverb paired with a weak verb. For example, 'sprinted' instead of 'ran quickly'; 'sauntered' instead of 'walked proudly'; 'shouted' instead of talked loudly; and so on.

Other

There really isn't any serval that is 'white and black spotted.' They only have black spots with two large white spot-like markings on the ears. There are very rare white servals and even rare black servals, but both of these colorations also have black spots. Make sure to study pictures of animals you are writing about as well as reading up on social groups, mating patterns, common/rare colors and patterns, and other information that may come up in your story. For example, wild servals are solitary creatures, so a group of them would be close to non-existent. Even if it's not realistic, the more factual elements you have in the story, the more it will appeal to audiences of all ages. A great example of this is The Lion King.

Starting a story off at the birth of the main character is sort of cliche and rather boring. Most readers will click off before finishing the first chapter. Readers like action, so try to focus your writing on a specific story, not just the life story of a character. Back-story is alright to have and reveal later in the story, but no one wants to read the childhood stories of your character if it has nothing to do with the main conflict of the story. This method worked in The Lion King because the main conflict ('Scar taking over the pride-lands and Simba having a sense of loyalty and responsibly to keeping his pride safe') is built upon the murder of Mufasa, which takes place in Simba's cub-hood.

I really don't understand how this is fanfiction, just saying. Is this taking place in the same universe of a movie or book? If so, you really should mention it in a summary, which is something I also recommend you do. But if this is an original fiction, you might want to move it to the Books board where many members have posted exerts of their OF's for review and suggestions.

Ok But everyone is not the best at writting. I'm better at drawing then writting. And Please don't Compare My Work to Lion king Thanks. This is A Fan fic For Now , But I plan on making it into A movie one day. And It's Not meant to be realistic. I find Realism to be boring.

Edit to chapter one :

A Golden Serval Darted Thourgh the UnderBrush. He was running Away from something , With His Cub in his mouth. His Heart was beating out of his chest Running away from the danger. Could it be ? A river ! He Made A leap over The Crystal water that was following peacefully Between the Savanna. He Leaped Just Past the River When , BANG ! A shot rang out. Painfully and fatally, The Golden Serval Fell to the Ground. The Cub flew out of his Jawls and into The Tall grass. He did'nt Make a sound , And He never Knew what happend to his Daddy. .....
Months Earlier...
A crowd of Servals Were Gatthered Around A den. I'm Zurburi. This Is the story of me. And here's Where it Began with me , But you know the beginning , Birth , Yada yada yada , So let 's Skip A bit , Shall we ?

Even if you want to make this into a movie, a film is more than just drawing. You also have to write. A lot. And if you ever want to be taken seriously by a production company, the sooner you clean up your SPaG, the better.

I was comparing it to The Lion King because it had a very similar to feel to it at the beginning, and it was obvious that your beginning was based of Simba being introduced to the pride.

Again, what is this a fanfiction for? This is a legit question that you have not answered. A fanfiction, by definition, is a piece of writing using the characters or setting of an already published work such as a movie (i.e. The Lion King), book (i.e. Harry Potter), or video game (i.e. Final Fantasy). You cannot call this a fanfiction if it is not based on a published work.

If you truly want this to be more like a movie and less like a fiction, you should write it like a screenplay, which is how all moves are written. For example:



Realism is not boring; it is creative. It adds something else to work with, another challenge that has to be creatively overcome. Good story-tellers don't make up things as they go along; they work with what they have and create something truly great from it. Obviously, any story with talking animals isn't going to be completely realistic, but the reason that Disney movies are classics are because everyone enjoys watching them, not just children. Broadening your audience is always better then limiting it to only children. The excuse of 'realism is boring' won't be taken seriously at any production company or, on a less professional scale, by most people on the internet. While you may get some praising comments, they will only be by people who like unrealistic stories. The majority of people will click off before even reading the second paragraph, and they won't bother to leave a comment saying they disliked it because they won't care enough to critique.

Again, these all just suggestions, but they will help you in the professional world and even on just the internet. You will be received a lot better if you take these suggestions to heart. The sooner you learn to take critique and suggestions and take your work seriously, the better chance you will have of actually creating a movie.

I was looking for it to have a realistic and inrealistc feel. What's so wrong with unrealistic things? By the way I'm not Having another studio make it. I'm Making it in toon boom. And I could always have another person write my script. This story is more Realistic then my other movie idea ( The Catfamily ). About A cat and a Dog who love each other.

There's nothing wrong with a little bit of unrealism, such as talking animals, but basing a story off of facts creates a more familiar setting for readers or watchers. It makes them more comfortable when certain facts are respected, like most wild cats being solitary and servals having a golden brown fur and black spots. Also, from the parents perspective, it's always comforting to know stories aren't giving children false facts.

Whether or not you are self-publishing are going through a professional studio, you will still have to put it out there. The internet and people on it are not kind; that's just a simple fact. If you put something out there of poor quality, people are going to tell you. I am just giving you some critical suggestions that will help you be taken more seriously.

Besides, you will most likely have to write the script yourself because there are not a lot of people out there who are going to want to write a script for someone else for free. You seem rather young, so I doubt you will want to pay someone to do it.

Yes, I remember seeing a topic about the Cat Family, and while this story is more realistic (and a lot less sparkly), your writing typos and refusal to take criticism (along with a strong belief that someone will write the story for you) makes people not take you very seriously. You may think I am being a little harsh, but these are just the cold hard facts of the intertent and the creative society.

Fact is , Could you maybe do a tutioral so I can Understand Better about this ? As for the Catfamily , It's Suposed to be a Cartoon. Kinda like spongebob because of it not being realistic , And unlike this title , Is being aimed towards Kiddies not Adults.

What kind of tutorial? I am more of a fictional novel writer than screenplay, but I can try to answer any questions you have.

Like Maybe how I can make My stories more in depth.

There are plenty of tutorials and guides on-line if you search for them, but that is way to broad a topic for a single tutorial. Search a couple of a blog sites for advice on story-telling; most writers have a blog. You can find mine here.

Thank you for posting. I'll Be sure to read it as soon as possible.